im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
