I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
