Got a toothbrush?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
