the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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