Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
