he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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