I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
