I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
