Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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