Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
