jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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