It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize