God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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