Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Mom said you looked used
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
