420 ftw
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
