shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
