The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
