And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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