haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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