can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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