Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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