You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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