forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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