I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
