Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
