sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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