Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
