Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize