I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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