I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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