and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
being pregnant is like rehab
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
