i don't like sucking hair
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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