My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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