I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
