I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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