i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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