Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This is not my ceiling
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
