Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
