i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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