I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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