Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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