I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
