So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Vodka?
Forever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize