Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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