I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Randomize
