I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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