I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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