I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
