Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
