Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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