I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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