bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
