fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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