all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
