Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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