the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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