I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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