i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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