she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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