I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
