he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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