Screwed.edu
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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