Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
